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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)


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Moose Flag In the sewer pipe... 06 Dec 10 1.18pm

Waiter, do you have frog's legs?

No, I'm disabled, you c*nt.

 

Goodness is what you do. Not who you pray to.
PA Flag Bedfordshire 06 Dec 10 8.59pm

I was attacked by a group of mime artists earlier.

They did unspeakable things to me.

 
MPE Flag Maidstone 07 Dec 10 8.32pm

I have got a new after shave, it smells of bread crumbs, the birds love it!

 

Just when I thought that I was out...........they pull me back in
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 08 Dec 10 11.07am

I've just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar...everytime I open a door, someone tells me to f*** off

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
Mikeybaby Flag 08 Dec 10 11.12am

Quote PA at 06 Dec 2010 8.59pm

I was attacked by a group of mime artists earlier.

They did unspeakable things to me.


 
jelholyoake Flag 10 Dec 10 9.37am

This ice-cold weather is f*ckin hilarious!
Right now, I'm outside the mental hospital watchin the staff trying to free fifty tongues from the windows.

 

When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 10 Dec 10 3.59pm

I saw a Muslim fall into the canal at 5 am this morning.

Being a responsible citizen, I informed the emergency services.

They still haven't responded!

I'm now starting to think I've wasted a stamp.

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 21 Dec 10 3.30pm

I just lost my job as a lifeguard at my local swimming pool.

Apparently tapping the no bombing sign when a family of Muslims walk past, isn't acceptable.

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
westquay Flag 58 miles from se25 21 Dec 10 4.53pm

Went to see Madness last week.
Excellent gig but unfortunately as the drummer hit the cymbal it flew off and hit some poor b****** on the head.
He was taken to hospital with percussion.

 

"Numb,gutted and shocked . Three words that sum up how I feel."
"Passionate,principled, genius. Three words that sum up Joe Strummer"
Martin Scorcese, Film director.
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 21 Dec 10 9.31pm

A man was caught masturbating in a newsagents. Apparently it's all over the papers.

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
cb1969 Flag Back in the 'hood 22 Dec 10 9.53am

Quote lanzarote ron at 21 Dec 2010 9.31pm

A man was caught masturbating in a newsagents. Apparently it's all over the papers.


I have to confess Ron, most of your jokes on here crack me up, right up my street humour wise

 
wollongongeagle Flag wollongong 22 Dec 10 12.08pm

Eileeen has never had an orgasm, so she and Paddy decide to go to the doctor to find out why.

After much discussion and a number tests, the doctor suggest that she may be over-heating during the act, and it's affecting her stimulation.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan, and decides to ask his mate Seamus to waft a towel over them during sex.

After 20 minutes of wafting - still no orgasm.

Seamus suggests a swap. "I'll shag her and you waft the towel" he says.

Paddy agrees. Soon after, Eileen is screaming in pleasure and she has an amazing climax.

Paddy looks directly into Seamus' contented eyes and says - "And that, my old son, is how you waft a f***ing towel"

 

We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!
Old Chap Flag Orpington 23 Dec 10 3.21pm

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.

But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here? "

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."


"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.

I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
Cartoon Head Flag 24 Dec 10 4.00pm

I once bought a dog off a locksmith,,,,,,,,,,as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.


I was sorting my loft out the other day with the wife,,,,,,,,,,,dirty,smelly,horrible,full of cobwebs,,,,,,,,,but shes good with the kids.


Edited by Cartoon Head (24 Dec 2010 4.01pm)

 
stevietea Flag northampton 25 Dec 10 8.54am

Dear children,
There is no Santa. Those presents you have got are from your parents.
Yours sincerely,
Wikileaks.

 

EaglesEagles Eagles Eagles
DudleydoRighT Flag Climbing up sunshine mountain. 25 Dec 10 4.59pm

Quote stevietea at 25 Dec 2010 8.54am

Dear children,
There is no Santa. Those presents you have got are from your parents.
Yours sincerely,
Wikileaks.


He he he.

 

That's you, that is.
DudleydoRighT Flag Climbing up sunshine mountain. 27 Dec 10 3.49pm

A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead." Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

 

That's you, that is.
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 28 Dec 10 3.16pm

All the engines on a plane fail.

The pilot comes out and asks, "does anyone here believe in the power of prayer?"

A vicar steps forward and says, "yes, I do."

"Great," says the pilot, "because we're a parachute short."

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
Eager eagle Flag Rainham Kent 01 Jan 11 9.37pm

I bought Bonny Tylers car last year on ebay,its fcuking awful,every now and then it falls apart.

 
WarlinghamEagle Flag Selsdon 03 Jan 11 9.34pm

a massive football match was being played on planet mars and the defender concedes a penalty in the last minute, the ref rushes over to the player and says: "I'm afraid to say that you're going in the book for that tackle and any more, you will be off! What's your name?", so the alien replies: " sregndsbfdpsgjvmffgjjcdfghj", then the ref says: "right, on second thoughts, I'll let you off with a warning!".

a joke from harry hill's joke book. haha

 

glenn murray > lionel messi.

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