The Glasgow Rangers' manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Rangers are 4-0 down to Celtic with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers. The fans are delighted,
the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Glasgow in the first place!'

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

Due to the water shortage in Ireland , Dublin
swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

Thank you.

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door openfor a young lady. After 2 minutes she said "sod off I'm trying to have a crap"

My poxy neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning. 2am?!! Lucky I was still up playing my drums.

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

Earlier today in Scotland; with a view to attracting more customers, the Association of Chinese Restauranteurs voted to combine Burns Night with Chinese New Year. It'll be known as Chinese Burns Night (ouch)!

I used to be immortal

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust.he cheats on me so much that I'm not sure that the baby I'm carrying is his

Spent £40.00 on e-bay last week for a p**** enlarger.Just opened it & some b******s sent me a magnifying glass.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.