Bristol Rovers remind me of my old pants.

P1ss up front, sh1t at the back and the elastic is going so they struggle to stay up.

There was a knock on the door this morning,

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down."

"Now what do you want to talk about"?

He said, "f***ed if I know, I've never got this far before"

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...

Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indians head ban stood for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the

significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.

Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one

feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three

feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many

feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women.

Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast.

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.

Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

Secretary goes into her bosses office and asks "can I use your dictaphone?".

"No,use yuur fingers like everybody else" he replies.

'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

I got a letter back from screwfix this morning ! Apparently they are not a dating agency

London born
palace bred
@cpfcdboi

The Scottish government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current winter weather conditions should
make sure they carry the following:

- Shovel
- Blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including hat and gloves
- 24 hours worth of food
- De-icer
- Rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares or reflective triangles
- Full spare gas can
- First aid kit
- Booster cables

I looked like such an idiot on the bus this morning.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Man buys a lottery ticket.

His wife asks: "If you win, will you still love me?"

"Yes," he replies, "but I'll miss you."

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'

The kid says 'F**ked if I know...

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

What do the social problems of Merthyr Tidveil and Ian Huntley have in common.

Stuggling minors!

Edited by jamiemartin721 (04 Apr 2011 4.25pm)

"One Nation Under God, has turned into One Nation Under the Influence of One Drug"
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