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July 12 2020 4.57pm

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 19 Oct 19 11.32pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

“Will I be OK, doctor?”
“I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now.”
“I don’t do all that astrology stuff.”
“Me neither, my thermometer just broke!”

 

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 25 Dec 19 10.55pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

Did I ever tell you the last words my father said to me before he kicked the bucket?
He said, “Son, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

 

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View johnno42000's Profile johnno42000 Flag 30 Dec 19 8.26pm Send a Private Message to johnno42000 Add johnno42000 as a friend

Life isn't fair. I beat an egg then got thyme for it.

 


'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 12 Feb 20 6.59pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

What's got 8 legs and one eye?
Two chairs and half a pig's head.

 

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View palace_in_frogland's Profile palace_in_frogland Flag In a broken dream 13 Feb 20 7.57pm Send a Private Message to palace_in_frogland Add palace_in_frogland as a friend

I was chatting with a diver the other day. I asked him why they always fell backwards off the boat.

He thought about it, and said “well, if we fell forwards, we’d still be in the boat.”

 

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View Forest Hillbilly's Profile Forest Hillbilly Flag in a hidey-hole 13 Feb 20 8.02pm Send a Private Message to Forest Hillbilly Add Forest Hillbilly as a friend

what is brown and sticky,.....?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
. a stick

 


,.,.,..,

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View HeathMan's Profile HeathMan Flag Purley 15 Feb 20 12.09am Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

Hopefully the copy and paste works. sadly drawings have not come across

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

as he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

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View Zimeagle's Profile Zimeagle Flag Harare 01 Mar 20 2.13pm Send a Private Message to Zimeagle Add Zimeagle as a friend

A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet. Finally, it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because the waitresses were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because there was plenty of parking, they cou;ld dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because the restaurant had wheelchair access and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because they had never been there before.

 

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View HeathMan's Profile HeathMan Flag Purley 02 Mar 20 12.40am Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

Like

 

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 09 Mar 20 8.36am Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

I went to the supermarket earlier today, and I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger pushing a trolley piled high with toilet rolls. I went up to him and said "Arnie, where did you get those loo rolls from?"
He said "Aisle B, back."

 

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View Nicholas91's Profile Nicholas91 Flag Kent 10 Mar 20 8.35am Send a Private Message to Nicholas91 Add Nicholas91 as a friend

Originally posted by BudgiesBeak

I went to the supermarket earlier today, and I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger pushing a trolley piled high with toilet rolls. I went up to him and said "Arnie, where did you get those loo rolls from?"
He said "Aisle B, back."

Funny I saw Arnie eating a Cadbury's cream egg at the weekend. I said to him "I bet I know what your favourite holiday of the year is!" and he said to me "You have to love Easter, baby!"

 


Here's to you the famous red and blue.....

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View HeathMan's Profile HeathMan Flag Purley 18 Mar 20 7.28am Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

This may help to fill those hours we have to spend at home.

[Link]

 

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