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April 17 2021 9.33am

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 28 Dec 20 6.37pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

I met a guy yesterday at an athletics event. I said "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "No, I'm German. And how did you know my name?"

 

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View Badger11's Profile Badger11 Flag Beckenham 10 Jan 21 6.45pm Send a Private Message to Badger11 Add Badger11 as a friend

If you had to sacrifice 1 country to save the rest of us from COVID which one would you choose? And why Scotland.

 


One more point

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View Zimeagle's Profile Zimeagle Flag Harare 25 Jan 21 7.29pm Send a Private Message to Zimeagle Add Zimeagle as a friend

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football together on Saturdays for so many years. Please do me one favour when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there".

Joe looks up from his death bed and says " Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you".

Shortly after that Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later Mike is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, " Mike....Mike".

"Who is it" asks Mike sitting up suddenly.

"Mike, it's me, Joe"

"Joe, where are you?"

"In heaven, I have some really good news and a little bad news".

"Tell me the good news first", says Mike.

""Well, there's football in heaven. Better yet, all our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. And, best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired".

"That's fantastic" says Mike. " It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what could possibly be the bad news"?

" You're in the team for Saturday".

 

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View kevlee's Profile kevlee Flag born Wandsworth emigrated to Lanc... 25 Jan 21 8.26pm Send a Private Message to kevlee Add kevlee as a friend

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law in the street.
My wife said 'Aren't you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

 


Following Palace since 25 Feb 1978

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 26 Jan 21 8.40pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

I bought a wig made from bum hair yesterday. It's useless.... it keeps blowing off.

 

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View Badger11's Profile Badger11 Flag Beckenham 30 Jan 21 2.01pm Send a Private Message to Badger11 Add Badger11 as a friend

Little girl at the zoo gets too close to the lions cage the lion grabs her and tries to pull her through the bars.

A man see this and bravely punches the lion on the nose and drags the girl from his jaws to the applause of the crowd and the relief of her parents.

Later he is interviewed by the BBC the reporter asks what happen and then for for some background

"Well I am an army veteran, and I vote Tory and Brexit".

The headlines that night on the BBC

Right wing veteran assaults African immigrant and steals his lunch.

Edited by Badger11 (30 Jan 2021 2.02pm)

 


One more point

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View Daddyorc's Profile Daddyorc Flag Long Island City, NY 30 Jan 21 2.12pm Send a Private Message to Daddyorc Add Daddyorc as a friend

A 65 year old man, 75 year old man and 85 year old man are sitting down at a table.

The 65 year old says "60+ must be the worst age, I wake up at 6am every morning and can't pee. It's just a struggle".

The 75 year old says "That's nothing, 70+ must be the worst age, I wake up at 6am every morning and can't poop. It's just a struggle".

The 85 year old says "80+ must be the worst age".

The 65 year old says "Why, can you not pee?"

85 year old "No, I pee a lot every morning at 6am".

The 75 year old says "Why, can you not poop?"

85 year old, "No, I poop a lot every morning at 6am."

65 and 75 - "so what's so bad about 85?"

85 year old "I don't wake up until 7am!"

 

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View monkey's Profile monkey Flag 05 Feb 21 12.11pm Send a Private Message to monkey Add monkey as a friend

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

 

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View Palace Old Geezer's Profile Palace Old Geezer Flag Midhurst 05 Feb 21 12.41pm Send a Private Message to Palace Old Geezer Add Palace Old Geezer as a friend

Apparently, according to a recent survey (this is not a joke by the way), 20% of Millennials have no idea what a Knock, Knock joke is. What's the world coming to eh?
Anyway, for those of you who still get them:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, I'm allergic to nuts.

 


Dad and I would watch games on the muddy slope of the Holmesdale Road end, probably at the same time as Roy.

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 10 Mar 21 2.50pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

A man goes to his doctor and says “every time I get an erection it looks just like a space rocket.”
Dr says “I’d better perform an examination, please get it out”.
The man gets it out and the doctor prods it. Before long, up it comes. Dr says “that’s completely amazing, I’ve never seen one like that before. You’re right, it’s just like a space rocket. What does your wife think?”
“Oh, she’s over the moon!”

 

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View doi209's Profile doi209 Flag Fighting for the weak and innocent... 10 Mar 21 3.13pm Send a Private Message to doi209 Add doi209 as a friend

Someone keeps going through my bins and stealing my apple cores. Must be a stalker.

 

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View BlueJay's Profile BlueJay Flag UK 12 Mar 21 11.03am Send a Private Message to BlueJay Add BlueJay as a friend

One I recently heard -


I took this Liverpool girl out to a vegetarian restaurant

I said, “Do you like avocado?”

She said, “No, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet”

 

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