You are here: Home > Message Board > General Talk > Topic
September 23 2023 2.17am

I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

Previous Topic | Next Topic


Page 21 of 115 < 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 >

Topic Locked

View Johnny Eagles's Profile Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 15 Aug 08 3.41pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

Did you hear about the failed gold prospector?

It didn't pan out.

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post
View scottish_eagle's Profile scottish_eagle Flag whyteleafe 19 Aug 08 7.59pm Send a Private Message to scottish_eagle Add scottish_eagle as a friend

English


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it, English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
But not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught,
Why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane!

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Where did this strange language come from and why do we speak it?

'Cause we don't know another, I guess...

 

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post
View asianeagle's Profile asianeagle Flag Hampshire 20 Aug 08 2.03pm Send a Private Message to asianeagle Add asianeagle as a friend

What do you call a Chinese girl with a food processor on her head ?

Blender

 


Grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post
View asianeagle's Profile asianeagle Flag Hampshire 20 Aug 08 2.04pm Send a Private Message to asianeagle Add asianeagle as a friend

Two cheese sandwiches walk into a bar : "Two pints of lager please" says one. "Sorry mate" says the barman. "We don't serve food".

 


Grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post
View asianeagle's Profile asianeagle Flag Hampshire 20 Aug 08 2.05pm Send a Private Message to asianeagle Add asianeagle as a friend

What do you call an American soul singer with a biscuit on his head ?

Lionel Rich Tea

 


Grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post
Jake d'Eagle Flag in the section labelled 'shirts', ... 26 Aug 08 1.02pm

Bloke walks into a pub with a 6foot by 4 foot bit of tarmac with a white line on it and says "2 Stellas please"

Landlord says "I'm not serving you - you're barred"

Bloke says "Just one for the road then".

 


Put a Glide in your Stride, and Dip in your Hip,
Come on over to the Mothership, baby

[Link] Transformation is Happening


Alert Alert a moderator to this post
Uncle Focker Flag 04 Sep 08 3.34pm

A Tasmanian couple walked out of the Divorce court.

The ex wife was bawling her eyes out.

The husband said..."Don't worry love, you're still my sister!".

 


Gone away

Alert Alert a moderator to this post
Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 22 Sep 08 2.11pm

Quote asianeagle at 20 Aug 2008 2:05pm

What do you call an American soul singer with a biscuit on his head ?

Lionel Rich Tea


How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its bill withers

 


Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Alert Alert a moderator to this post
Jake d'Eagle Flag in the section labelled 'shirts', ... 22 Sep 08 5.19pm

2 pensioners sitting on a bench, one says to the other "You know when we was in Africa in the war and they put stuff in the tea to stop us being randy?"

"Yes."

"I think it's started working."

 


Put a Glide in your Stride, and Dip in your Hip,
Come on over to the Mothership, baby

[Link] Transformation is Happening


Alert Alert a moderator to this post
View monkey's Profile monkey Flag 23 Sep 08 5.17pm Send a Private Message to monkey Add monkey as a friend

A little boy gets 10 for his birthday and rushes down to the Sport Shop to

buy the New

Football he has been desperate for. He gets the ball down from the rack and

gives the

shop-keeper his 10.

"Sorry Son !!" Explains the shopkeeper. "This ball cost 20,

but you've only got 10".

Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the club balls and says "OK. If you

blindfold me and I

guess the club on the ball will you let me have the ball for 10"? The

shopkeeper curiously

agrees, and blindfolds the boy.

First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball.

"OK" says the boy placing his ear to the ball. "I can hear the blasting

sound of 2 canons. This

must be an Arsenal ball"

"That was a lucky guess" exclaimed the shopkeeper.

"Lets try another one" And he hands him a Millwall ball.

"OK" Says the boy placing his ear to the ball again. "I can

hear a pack of rampant Lions. It

must be a Millwall ball".

"Christ" Says the shopkeeper.

"If you get the next one right I'll let you have the ball for

nothing" and he passes him

another ball.

Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few moments he exclaims

"That's a Tottenham

ball".


"Holly Mary Mother Of God" Shouts the shopkeeper."How on earth did you get

that one. I suppose

you heard a Cockerel crowing??"


"No" Said the boy. "It's going down"!!!

 

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post
miles18 Flag Telford 23 Sep 08 6.00pm

Quote monkey at 23 Sep 2008 5:17pm

A little boy gets 10 for his birthday and rushes down to the Sport Shop to

buy the New

Football he has been desperate for. He gets the ball down from the rack and

gives the

shop-keeper his 10.

"Sorry Son !!" Explains the shopkeeper. "This ball cost 20,

but you've only got 10".

Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the club balls and says "OK. If you

blindfold me and I

guess the club on the ball will you let me have the ball for 10"? The

shopkeeper curiously

agrees, and blindfolds the boy.

First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball.

"OK" says the boy placing his ear to the ball. "I can hear the blasting

sound of 2 canons. This

must be an Arsenal ball"

"That was a lucky guess" exclaimed the shopkeeper.

"Lets try another one" And he hands him a Millwall ball.

"OK" Says the boy placing his ear to the ball again. "I can

hear a pack of rampant Lions. It

must be a Millwall ball".

"Christ" Says the shopkeeper.

"If you get the next one right I'll let you have the ball for

nothing" and he passes him

another ball.

Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few moments he exclaims

"That's a Tottenham

ball".


"Holly Mary Mother Of God" Shouts the shopkeeper."How on earth did you get

that one. I suppose

you heard a Cockerel crowing??"


"No" Said the boy. "It's going down"!!!


 



.

Alert Alert a moderator to this post
View eagleeye's Profile eagleeye Flag The dark side 25 Sep 08 11.57am Send a Private Message to eagleeye Add eagleeye as a friend

Just a random thought...Why did Kamakazi pilots wear helmets ???

 


Politicaly incorrect..and I don't give a s**t
******************************************************************

Proud to be an Infidel....Can't wait for the next crusade !!!

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post

Topic Locked

Page 21 of 115 < 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 >

Previous Topic | Next Topic

You are here: Home > Message Board > General Talk > Topic