Two dyslexic blokes walking down the street

one says to the other

can you smell fish?

leave it out, says the other one

I have a bloody job smelling my own name

Soar with the eagles or scratch with the chickens

Knock knock

who's there?

Biggish!

Biggish who?

NO THANK YOU !

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"

"That was Thora Hird."

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

My wife sat down on the
setee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Cokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.... And then the trouble started.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

a boy standing in his back garden says to his mum
"why is my charlton top lying on the grass" his mum looks out and shouts "the thieving c--ts have taken my pegs!"