The jokes on here about baby p are disgusting!

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As the festive season is upon us, please remember that a Doggie is not just for Xmas..........it's a great position all year round

I was at the airport and went up to the desk and asked for a KFC Bargain Bucket.

The girl said "No Sir, this is the Check-In desk."

Put a Glide in your Stride, and Dip in your Hip,
Come on over to the Mothership, baby

[Link] Transformation is Happening

....Think of Tommy Cooper when you read this ..........


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, permanent."

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I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
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I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

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Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.

'Best Before End'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he then?"
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said, "You've got cholera."

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

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I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

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The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

He had a photographic memory but it was never developed.

My old man works at Tesco and he told me there was an emergency call to the aisle that sells Alphabetti Spaghetti. "What happened Dad" I said
"Nothing son, but it could of spelt disaster"

I was in Tescos and I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “are you two an item?”

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...