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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)


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ben-n-17 Flag Horley, Surrey 13 Feb 10 2.00pm

Quote Don Rogers Tache at 03 Feb 2010 9:42pm

Neil Warnock, Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson and Rafa Benitez are in a pub. Warnock gets up and gets a round in, Wenger gets up and gets the next round, then Ferguson and then Benitez.
Warnock then goes up and buys himself a pint and sits down.
Wenger, Ferguson and Benitez ask what the hell is going on? To which Warnock replies:


"This is the fifth round lads and none of you are in it!"

I'm impressed.
That one made me laugh out loud!

 

Holmesdale Radio Presenter, Journalist at MailOnline and Sky Sports.
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jelholyoake Flag 14 Feb 10 1.44pm

Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge, "For £64,000, what's the colour of Vanessa Perroncel's pubic hair.

A. Blonde B. Brunette
C. Black D. Ginger"?

Wayne replies, "Can i phone a friend"!

 

When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.
TomThePalaceFanatic Flag 15 Feb 10 1.12pm

I had me first cage fight the other day.....................................


F*cking budgie didn't know what hit it!

 
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 25 Feb 10 11.27am

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 26 Feb 10 8.11am

A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resucitates it & saves its life.'Are you a vet' said the woman. 'Vet?' said the German 'Im fukking soaked!'

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 26 Feb 10 8.14am

Got a new job with the Samaritans last week. Tried to phone in sick this morning, and the b******s talked me out of it!

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 26 Feb 10 9.46am

New Words for 2010

* SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

* SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'.

* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training....

* MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 09 Mar 10 2.55pm

Where does a baby monkey sleep?

In an apricot

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 09 Mar 10 2.56pm

What do you call a man who used to be interested in farm machinery?

An ex Tractor Fan

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 09 Mar 10 2.57pm

What did one plate say to another plate?

Lunch is on me

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 11 Mar 10 7.37am

An Irishman applied for a Blacksmith's job. When asked if he had any experience shoeing horses he said no. But he once told a donkey to f*** off!

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 12 Mar 10 3.55pm

Liverpool players and backroom staff visited the local childrens hospital recently "Its good to put a smile on the faces of people worse off than you , and who face a long long uphill battle " said David Wilson aged 6.

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
PA Flag Bedfordshire 17 Mar 10 9.40pm

Why do SCUBA divers roll backwards off boats in to the sea ?

Because they'd still be in the boat, if they rolled forwards.

 
rednblue4eva Flag Norwood 26 Mar 10 5.01pm

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk

 
teejay61 Flag The Cup of Sid 26 Mar 10 5.06pm

Quote rednblue4eva at 26 Mar 2010 5:01pm

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk


the very same Police later cordoned off Liverpool City centre (again) when an unattended bag was left outside the Job Centre.

The contents of the bag were later revealed to be several sub machine guns and a large stash of cocaine.

Locals were said to be stunned................................................................................they had no idea there was a Job Centre in Liverpool.

 

Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971
Old Chap Flag Orpington 29 Mar 10 11.06am

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh!tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 31 Mar 10 1.15pm

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
alaneagle1 Flag Dunstable,Bedfordshire.England 13 Apr 10 11.34am

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole..

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help!! I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll
let me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right! I'll be fine in a few minutes!' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great! - but I still think my thumb's broken!'


 

Palace 13th 2017/18.

kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 15 Apr 10 7.46am

Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a
tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The
undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped
home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just
£100.'

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute.
They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend
£5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of
the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly'.

The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead.

We just can't take the risk.'

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
eagleupnorth Flag Bolton 15 Apr 10 6.44pm

I Went shop lifting with 2 pairs of vampires, I got caught, and got done on 4 counts.

 
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