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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)


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secondchancecpcfc Flag Crystal palace 15 Jun 10 7.28pm

Why are black people so tall?
'' because there kneegrows''

Why dont indians play football?
'' because when they get a corner they build a shop''

 

E I E I O UP THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE WE GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Facebook - [Link]

Fantasy football - [Link]

twitter - 2ndchancecpfc.
teejay61 Flag The Cup of Sid 15 Jun 10 10.38pm

A bloke says to his wife

"tell me something that will make me happy & sad at the same time"

she thinks, then replies

"your knob is bigger than your brothers"

 

Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971
Nobby from Norwood Flag Dog Shit Alley 17 Jun 10 2.37pm

Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind a library in Barnsley yesterday.

A spokesman said "The people of Barnsley are really stunned by this news.......they had no idea that they had a library!" #


 
Nobby from Norwood Flag Dog Shit Alley 17 Jun 10 3.13pm

A pasty walks into a bar...

His mate says hi pasty what you doing here?

To which the pasty replies.....


Wait for it....

Im meetin potato.

 
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 27 Jun 10 1.35pm

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Croydon but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
stinky-winky Flag fartsville 05 Jul 10 7.09pm

Dunno if this has been done

Whats the difference between Scotland & a teabag ?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

 
Only 10 a year!! Flag 06 Jul 10 12.41pm


.

Edited by Only 10 a year!! (06 Jul 2010 1:00pm)

 
redandbluebarmy Flag Epsom 21 Jul 10 12.37pm

The police knocked at my door this morning and said "excuse me sir we have recieved a report that your dog has been chasing someone on a bike" I said...........

"that's b¥$€*#%s my dog hasn't even got a bike!"

 

TEA IS FOR MUGS!
Raven Flag South Croydon 22 Jul 10 10.30am

Who was the only personever to say 'Defeat is OK'?

Idi Amin's chiropodist

 
Eaglesnut Flag Waterford 22 Jul 10 2.46pm

A man was watching an diver - when he surfaced he asked the diver "Why do divers always fall backwards when diving?' The diver looked at him & said "If we rolled forward we'd still be in the f**kin' boat"

 
The Sash Flag Now residing in Epsom - How Posh 23 Jul 10 7.24pm

Apparently Nintendo have a new game coming out next month, where the gamer plays as a 12 year old alcopop drinking, drug taking, chavvy, asbo-ed, hoody wearing car thief from Glasgow and the aim of the game is to cause as much trouble as possible!


Its called the wii bast ard

Edited by The Sash (23 Jul 2010 7:25pm)

 

As far as the rules go, it's a website not a democracy - Hambo 3/6/2014
Bin Liner Flag London , Southfields 23 Jul 10 8.03pm

whats the difference between the Scottish Mafia and the Italian Mafia?
The Italian Mafia make you offer you cant refuse and the Scottish Mafia make you and offer you cant understand

 

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 26 Jul 10 10.31am

I stole some inflatables from the garden centre last week, so can't out much, I'm having to lie low....

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
cpfcdboi Flag Thornton heath 03 Aug 10 1.14am

last night i got my c*ck caught in my zip so i rubbed some margerine on it !!

Woke up this morning cant believe its not better

 

London born
palace bred
@cpfcdboi
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 10 Aug 10 9.31am

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 12 Aug 10 10.34am

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on.


I said “You’re pulling my leg"

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 18 Aug 10 3.40pm

What do you call a Frenchman who makes sandals?

Philip Filop

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
lankygit Flag Lincoln 22 Aug 10 6.37pm

I had to laugh when I saw a young lad with his mum at the zoo the other day. Mind you I am a hyaena.

 

Is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour? [Link]
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 23 Aug 10 2.20pm

Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

And the worst…

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
Deleagle Flag "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 23 Aug 10 4.01pm

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the Prime Minister."

 

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.



Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

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