Norwood rec. was closed to the public today when someone reported seeing a man eating tiger there. Police later said it was a false alarm - he was eating a cucumber sandwich.

Is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour? [Link]

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started
After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road." "Can I ask you, what is the problem?"
"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."

A female reporter was interviewing an Irish farmer about mad cow disease. The farmer said 'Bulls only mate once a year you know' to which the female reporter replied 'That's interesting I did not know that'. 'Cows are milked twice a day you know' said the farmer. 'Very interesting' said the female reporter 'but how does that effect Mad Cow Disease'. 'I'm coming to that' said the farmer 'Look if I played with your tits twice a day but only screwed you once a year how would you feel?'

Some b****** nicked a pair of the wifes' knickers off the washing line today.
She's not worried about the knickers but she's got the right 'ump about the 22 pegs.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.......................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.......................................................

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

.......................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Why did God give women small hands?

So they can get into the corners more easily.

What do you do if a woman has no legs?

Move the cooker next to the bed.

Why does a woman have a brain cell more than a cow?

So that she doesn't take a sh*t in the kitchen.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Batman confronts a villain, whacks him over the head with a vase yelling "T'PAU !!!"

"Don't you mean 'KAPOW' ?! asks the villain

"Nah" says Batman, "I've got china in my hand"....

Grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory

What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?

An octopus....

We are not here to fuck spiders...

Q> What do women and the BP oil leak have in common ?

A< Put a ring on them and they stop giving out,

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

I got a rolex as a present from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Oh....