You are here: Home > Message Board > General Talk > Topic
November 12 2026 12.02pm

This page is no longer updated, and is the old forum. For new topics visit the New HOL forum.

I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)


Page 28 of 69 < 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 >
richard shaw (og)65 Flag my minds eye 29 Sep 10 4.29pm

i was sitting on the train and there was an asian women asleep , she was sleeping for the whole journey , about an hour , i started getting worried , then i noticed the red dot on her head and realised she was on standby

 

interviewer " iggy , do you think you influenced anybody?"
iggy pop " I think I wiped out the 60`S "

wollongongeagle Flag wollongong 30 Sep 10 9.43pm

Paddy staggers into the pub toilet, and after a while he gives out a loud scream. A few seconds later there's another loud scream.

The barman investigates - "What's all the screaming about in here?

Paddy says, "Every time I go to flush, something comes up and squeezes my balls."

With that, the barman opens up the door and looks in - "Aye, that's because you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!
becky Flag over the moon 01 Oct 10 6.04pm

I went into an electronics shop today. They had a 42" plasma TV for £25 - card said 'volume control stuck on full'

I thought, I can't turn that down!

 

A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers
jelholyoake Flag 03 Oct 10 7.10pm

I just put down a deposit on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook, saying, "Can't wait for the new 911". Now 50,000 Muslims have added me as a friend.

 

When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.
sxp55 Flag South Norwood 03 Oct 10 7.18pm

my sister just got a job in boots.....she's a prostitute.

 

@sxp55555
Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 04 Oct 10 2.22am

How many animals can you fit in a pair of tights ??


Ten little piggies
Two calfs
One ass
Countless Hares
and one pussy

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
Hoof Hearted 05 Oct 10 12.43pm

My mrs has complained that I keep pushing her around and talking behind her back....

What's she expect..... she's in a fcuking wheelchair!

 
87eagle Flag london 05 Oct 10 1.57pm

Quote crystal balls at 19 May 2010 10.53pm

I'm thinking of getting a loft conversion......but that's another storey..... oh dear


Funny that, I was thinking of having my basement done.. But it's a seller's market..

 
87eagle Flag london 05 Oct 10 2.58pm

Quote Hoof Hearted at 04 Sep 2010 10.32am

I drove past an RAC van the other day and the driver was crying and seemed very upset.

I thought to myself...he's heading for a breakdown, that fella.


I walked into my local boozer last night, and I saw a man standing at the bar, looking pretty rowdy, downing pints. He had a black shirt, shorts and a whistle round his neck. I thought to myself - that guy could kick off any minute...

 
Hoof Hearted 05 Oct 10 4.32pm

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

He kneaded a sh1t!

 
jelholyoake Flag 05 Oct 10 10.14pm

Shagged a girl with eczema last night. Cracking tits.

 

When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.
jelholyoake Flag 05 Oct 10 10.15pm

Shagged a deaf and dumb dwarf last night. Had to break her fingers to stop her telling anyone.

 

When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.
Horley Eagle Flag Somewhere only I know 06 Oct 10 1.17pm

BBC sources say that neighbours witnessed four liverpool players playing football with a hedgehog in the street.
On eye witness said "I was going to call the RSPCA but then the hedgehog went one nil up".

 

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.
Hoof Hearted 06 Oct 10 4.08pm

My mrs phoned earlier to say that that nice man Gavin from Autoglass had put his special resin in her crack.

I'm not normally suspicious but I've got the car today.

 
Hoof Hearted 06 Oct 10 4.11pm

Quote Catfish at 23 Aug 2010 8.32pm

Quote Deleagle at 23 Aug 2010 4.01pm

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the Prime Minister."


That was going so well until the final paragraph. Perhaps we should have a competetion to think of a funny punchline.

Heard it years ago, and was amused to see it resurface again. It might work better if the last line was "... and the other thinks he's the President of USA."

 
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 07 Oct 10 8.43am

Man gets home and says to his wife, "What's that smell?"

"I can't smell anything?" she replies.

"Exactly, nor can I - get the f*cking cooker on!"

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 07 Oct 10 8.50am

Old MacDonald had... dyslexia... Q-P-R-Y-Z

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
dpfinnie 07 Oct 10 8.59am

Quote Eaglesnut at 27 Aug 2010 8.43pm

A female reporter was interviewing an Irish farmer about mad cow disease. The farmer said 'Bulls only mate once a year you know' to which the female reporter replied 'That's interesting I did not know that'. 'Cows are milked twice a day you know' said the farmer. 'Very interesting' said the female reporter 'but how does that effect Mad Cow Disease'. 'I'm coming to that' said the farmer 'Look if I played with your tits twice a day but only screwed you once a year how would you feel?'

Brilliant!


 

Haven't I seen you on the radio?
dpfinnie 07 Oct 10 5.10pm

Here's a few I got from my brother. Apologies if they've already been posted.

I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower. He accidentally connected it to the gas main. I guess old habits die hard.
-------
What do you call an unemployed jester?
Nobody's fool.
-------
Muslim terrorists are now thinking twice about blowing themselves up with the promise of 72 virgins in paradise.
Apparently they got a look at Susan Boyle and were horrified to see what a virgin really looks like.
-------
I never felt any emotion over the death of Michael Jackson.
I guess he never touched me as a child.
-------
A Scottish paedophile has lodged a dispute with Ebay. He claims that the wii Gameboy he received wasn't what he was expecting.
-------
Got home from the pub last night only to discover a dead cat in the washing machine.
At least he passed away in comfort.
-------
Man: Doctor doctor, I have a punnet of strawberries up my bottom.
Doctor: That's lucky, I have some cream for that.
-------
How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but there will have to be a real twist at the end.

 

Haven't I seen you on the radio?
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 09 Oct 10 1.22pm

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About eight pints.

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
Page 28 of 69 < 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 >

You are here: Home > Message Board > General Talk > Topic